Captain Picards Very Personal Log
by omschen
Summary: NEW PROMISING CHAPTER ONLINE. GO AND READ! Captain Picards Very Personal Log. And well, it basically P/C because I love their chemistry. Enjoy!
1. Encouter at Farpoint

Annotation:

I do not own Star Trek or any of those characters.

I am not a Trekkie. I love to watch Star Trek, especially TNG. I grew up with those characters.

I always loved the dynamic between Picard and Crusher. I loved their relationship and the goosebumps they were giving me.

So I thought I do a little story to explore what Picard might have thought at some points.

Oh and by the way. English is not my mother tongue. So whoever finds a mistake might keep it.

And now: enjoy!

Encounter at Farpoint

Captains very personal Log

 _I cannot believe myself. We have just left Farpoint Station were we picked up the rest of the Enterprise's crew and manage to kind of escape from a being called Q that seems to be almighty but also seems to make me responsible for every illness mankind had ever done._

 _But the only thing that is really bothering me is Her. The only thing my mind is running in circles around is that look she gave me when l barked at her on the bridge upon that kid of hers. Damn me. She was darn right. I was overreacting. And she made that clear to me in a way only she can. Her blue eyes, cold as ice staring into me, informing me that I was wrong! Damn her. How dare she. In front of the new crew._

 _But that's her. Never short of an answer. Not backing of but stepping right into the battle. I always admired her for that. To be bold and straight forward. As long as she knows what she has to say is true she will blunt it out to anybody and not even stop at telling an admiral._

Jean Luc leaned back an smiled inwardly remembering the incident back than on earth! It felt like a century ago. Jack still alive. Beverly on her first assignment the tree of them at a Starfleet party and General Henderson, an elder doctor hunting literally every skirt in Starfleet Medical. He had grabbed her but and like many others before whispering something into her ear. She turned around and looked him in the eyes. Her look ice cold, her manner straight. Loud and clearly some dozen people around them could hear her steady voice telling him that he should rather grab a drink for his with than young women's asses.

The admiral looked at her in disbelief none had ever dared to say anything. People around them held their breaths. Henson was to be known to not keep his hands of young women and as he was so influencial he could ruin young careers easily! And he would. He had done it before. He tried on Beverly but although so young she had managed to prove herself one of the best doctors to emerge from the academy to become.

He sighed. A year later the admiral left Starfleet. But that was a different story.

Jean Luc got up, went to the replicator and ordered a cup of Earl Grey. He balanced the saucer and the cup to the window admiring the view. The stamens coming up from the cup condensates on the window. He looked down I to the cup and for a moment a ghost flushed over him when he saw Beverly's face mirrored in the golden liquid. He took a big sip and went back to his desk.

 _Beverly. It was my own fault. Why did I even order her to report in the bridge I stead of welcoming her in sick bay? It was unprofessional of me. I hate to admit it but I might have been afraid meeting her alone. After all. After all this years._

He sighed. Looking into space again he tried to gain his calamity again.

 _I must conquer that. I must! She cannot have wanted to be on a ship with me. With me of all people. It must be a mistake. And how should I endure the sight of her reminding me..._

His thought were drifting away. He got up streched his legs and went to sickbay.

Captain's Log supplementel

 _I just made a complete fool out of myself. I went to her office to talk her into leaving this ship. I came there with the authority of a teenager. I almost stumbled over my own feet not to talk about my own words. She looked at me with her amazing blue eyes telling me she had requested to be assigned to the Enterprise. I stood there not knowing what to say. So I left and then I managed to squeeze out the most stupid of all sentences I mentioned towards her today. We might be friends._

Close log.

Picard leaned back in his chair. His mind was busy and his head started to ache. So now she is here. A daily reminder of his dead friend. The best friend he ever had. It even might be it was the only real friend he ever had. Ever since Jack's death he had kept a professional distance between him and his crew. He had become a little lonely but then again he never had had the need for much company and many friends. Maybe that was why he had stayed single. Not that he had not had women. Oh yes. He had had his share in the other sex but none of the ladies could have tempted him to share his life.

None but one and that one he never had had the pleasure to make love to.

He got up from his desk, ordered another cup of Earl Grey and went to his bedroom. He lay down on his bed and closed his eyes but soon opened them again when before his inner eye a burning fire of red hair appeared.


	2. The Naked Now

The Naked Now

Captains very personal log.

 _Today I almost had the pleasure of kissing Beverly. I might have even had the chance to make love to her. To touch her, to feel her. To make her shiver under my touch._

 _But what adventure that would have been._

 _Although I had been wanting that for ever since I laid eyes on her it would have been all wrong. The regret would have been too much._

 _We were kind of drunk. Infected by some virus that had spread with the speed of light among all Enterprise personal. She came onto me pretty hard. I could feel her hot breath on my face._

 _It makes me shiver thinking about it._

Close log

Thinking about the little speech he had given to his officers after they had gotten clear he took up his cup of Earl Grey. Friends would be what they will be. They were friends before. Jack, Beverly and Jean Luc. He never had been the third wheel. He had known when to back off. And he is sure he will manage.


	3. The Big Goodbye

The Big Goodbye

Captain's very personal log

 _I'm lost. I went on a Holodeck adventure of my favorite PI Dixon Hill. Counselor Troy has suggested to relax before meeting the Jarada._

 _When I had returned from my small excursion and met up with my senior officers I was telling them how great it was. Out of the blue Beverly had gotten up from her seat walking towards me, her hips swinging she cupped my chin and started to clean away the lipstick the character from the story had placed on my face._

 _I guess no one else in this universe would have dared doing this. Even worse, touching me in that way in front of my officers. Too familiar. Too close. Too intimate. But that's her. She doesn't mind. She smirkes at me with this smile, raises her eyebrow and I know I am in trouble. To her I am captain and Jean Luc. No. To her I am Jean Luc. Then captain. It feels good that way. It feels good to be called Jean Luc in front of all the others and to hear my name out of her mouth. It feels just right. It feels being close. Being connected._

 _To the others I am their captain and that is the way I wanted it. On the Stargazers we were friends. We were younger but after this incident that took Jack's life I decided to keep a professional distance to my other crews. It seemed wise and I still consider it to be wise. They form a marvelous crew, all of them, but still I don't want to bond too much. Still I am glad they get along so well with each other. That they will be bonding. That they will be friends._

Jean Luc Picard traced his fingers over the hat he had been wearing being dressed like a 1940s PI. His mind got lost in what had happened afterwards. He had invited Beverly to join him for this adventure. She seemed astonished first, not knowing wether it would be wise to come with him. But she never was someone to be shy, so she nodded yes. Her smile died when he had said that he intended to also invite Whalen. He shook his head. Could it be? Had she actually hoped that he would only invite her? It seemed that way and produced a warm feeling within his body, his mind traveling of to the 1940 and a certain police station where he first saw her.

 _I invited her to join my Dixon Hill adventure and when I first saw her in that costume I couldn't hold myself. She looked stunning. I must have been standing there staring at her for a minute before being able to move. I got completely lost in her figure, her eyes, her voice. It seemed as if we met for the first time, two people that had never seen each other before but were highly attracted towards one another. Falling hard for each other. Would it not have been for Data and Whalen I might have lost myself and brushed my lip over hers._

 _How will I ever get rid of that sight of her in that costume. She looked incredibly seductive. It was like falling for her again, but as those two persons we might have a chance to be together._

 _End Log._

He got up, the rim of the hat between his fingers and walked in from of the mirror. He putted the hat one one last time, giving Dixon Hill a farewell smile before he decided to take a cold shower.


	4. The Arsenal of Freedom

The Arsenal of Freedom

Captain's very personal log

 _We were on Minos today to research the disappearance of the USS Drake. Beverly and I got separated from the rest is the away team fleeing of what turned out to be a very dangerous weapon. Beverly stumbled and we both fell onto a cave. She was badly hurt and could not move._

 _When I saw her lying there, trying to help her, no possibility to get in touch with the Enterprise I got scared. I couldn't bare losing another Crusher. She was great, talking me through how to help her. How to take care. She told me about her grandmother._

 _Back save I wonder what if.. what if she had died. What would happen with her son. With Wesley. I know she had no relatives left and as far as I remember Jacks parents are dead as well. Would I take care of him. As his fathers best friend? Because of her? Would he want me, who is killed his parents want me to be his guardian?_

 _Could I take care of a teenager? In a way I am a grumpy old man. At least if it comes to kids. But I owe it! To him and his parents. I cannot see him in some school being taken care of strange people without as much passion as Beverly. He is a fine boy and very talented. Beverly says he is like Jack but she underestimates herself. He might look like Jack. But he works as hard as his mother does. She did a marvelous job in raising this kid alone._

Close log.


	5. We‘ll Always Have Paris

We'll Always Have Paris

Captain's very personal log

 _The past was never something taking much space in my life. Of course it is the past that formed me and made me into the person I am now. But I never was like Robert or Papa living in traditions. Living in the past. My focus was on the future._

 _I never was one to think about the past a lot. Jenice was on the Enterprise. Jenice. The first girl I ever considered marrying. In fact she was the only one. There are few events in my past I think back regularly. When I ran off, as Papa would call it, to Starfleet Academy. Meeting Beverly the first time, Jack's death, meeting Beverly when bringing Jack's body home, the loss off the Stargazer._

 _Actually Jenice is not on the list._

Jean Luc pauses to sip some tea and starts to brush over his chin, thinking.

 _Still it came as a shock to me when we all of a sudden had her on the Enterprise. She was beautiful as ever. I didn't know how to face her after all those years. But there she was, lightly claiming I would come after her to rescue her. I can tell the Counselor was astonished by my state of mind, not to say she might have been worried. And Beverly, Beverly was upset._

His eyes were drifting into the distance. Eyeing the stars outside the window.

 _I ran away from Jenice because I was afraid that I would not be able to be free to be doing what I wanted to do. To stay after all. I lost Jenice but gained to be who I am now. I would be a different person, had I gone to that cafe. Would I be happier? I don't know?_

 _Do I regret what I did? Yes and no._

 _No. I don't._

 _I am where I wanted to be and regret is not necessary. Being honest with myself it doesn't even hurt. It was stirred up because she was here. Stirring up emotions, but meeting her will be forgotten soon. I don't love her anymore. Stopped loving her a very long time ago. It was that I never said goodbye that made me wonder._

He took up his cup again. All of a sudden he remembered something he had entered into the log earlier. He looked up. Searched the stars. The stars had always given him comfort.

Beverly seemed to be upset.

Beverly. He sat down his cup.

I wouldn't want to say goodbye to Beverly. Never again.


	6. Pulaski 1

Pulaski1

Captain's very personal Log

 _Beverly Crusher is gone. She left the enterprise to work at Star Fleet Medical on Earth. She did not mention why exactly she left but of course that offer she had gotten, could not be turned down. I would have left any position had I been offered captain of Starfleet's flagship. And where she is now, is exactly that career step taken. She is an incredible doctor. She is smart and passionate. I have met lots of doctors over the years. Some smart, really good doctors but hell with their patients. Not her. She simply is incredible._

Jean Luc stares into the void of his quarters getting lost in his own thoughts. Sitting. Staring. His mind trailing off.

 _I miss her. I miss her sight. I miss how she enters the staff meetings, a little late taking long elegant steps. Smiling an excuse and slipping gracefully on her chair looking me straight in the eye._

 _I miss watching her face when she is wondering about a difficult question. Her face a mirror of her thoughts. One can read her so easily then. Her passion. Her love for her patients. Her love and friendship for her colleagues._

 _And then she turns around her face all professional, reassuring._

 _Life on board has to go one without her. She is deeply missed and I wish I could tell her. Tell her... Tell her what? Could I ever tell her?_

He is shaking his head.

 _Close Log._

He orders the computer with his strong baritone.

Getting up from his desk he gazed into space. His eyes longing to get a glimpse on this beautiful red head he'd fallen in love with ages ago. He loved her for ages. Instead of cooling down his love grew stronger. Deeper. More mature. He adored her ways. Her grace. Her beauty. Her being.

"It cannot be."

Taken back by the sound of his own voice, the loudness of his words in the stillness of his room he turned around.


	7. Pulaski 2

Pulaski 2

Captain's very personal Log

 _Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or so they say. It's been six month since Beverly left the Enterprise but her son is a daily reminder of the love I never had. And Pulaski is giving me hell._

Picard rolled his eyes. He never will get used to his new doctor. She is not Beverly. Beverly is strong minded but Pulaski is a pain in the ass.

"I miss you Beverly,"

Picard sighs.

 _I cannot stop think of her. Sometime when it is daily routine on the bridge, I find my self looking towards the turbo lift waiting for her to gracefully step onto the bridge for a small scientific chat. I even miss the times she is standing up against me, telling me I am wrong in doing this or that. Not holding back. Fighting for her opinion._

I _start to be lonely. I never used to be lonely before. But after all we grew to be friends. She is kind of the only one who would do. And now I am lonely without her. Counselor Troi is trying to drag me to spend more time outside duty with people, but I am not interested. Nothing will be a substitute for Beverly and I have other reason not to bond too close with the crew._

 _I miss her so much. Every now and then I find myself sitting on the sofa not having turned the page of my book for an hour thinking about her. Remembering her. Seeing her in front of my inner eye._

 _Also I started having those dreams at a regular basis again. We are together. Not as friends but lovers. She and me. Together. Kissing. Caressing. Loving. Some nights I weak up, bathed in sweat and my trousers bulky with want for her. As if I am a teenager._

Close log

He barks,

hoping he will have a calm night. He doubts that he will. Today he had chatted with Beverly. They had started to call each other once a week or so both in an unspoken need to see each other. To talk to each other. To share a bit of life like they had started on the Enterprise. As friends would do. Or lovers?

Continue Log

 _She looked exhausted. Of course she would never tell. She in a way is as private as I am. Keeping her inner emotions to herself when I am getting too close. Having her doctors face. She was talking about her work. The progress she had made with the students program. I had told her about the latest nebula we had explored and how Wesley had helped installing a new algorithm that helped scanning everything more efficiently._

 _And then l had complained about Pulaski again. She had offered me a broad smile. "I guess you rather want me back on the Enterprise" she had teased. I smiled back. Too afraid to answer. Too afraid to step over that undrawn line between us. She quickly had changed the subject to something lighter._

He lay down on his bed, but as soon as he closed his eyes his mind drifted to Beverly. Would she have come back, if he had asked her? Was she happy back on earth? "This cannot be", he said to himself getting up, ordering a glass of Aunt Adele's sleep drink and taking the most boring book that was lying on his nightstand. He sat himself onto his bed. Sipping warm milk and reading, drifting away to be with her. No doubt he would be feeling like a teenager tonight again.


	8. Samaritan Snare

**Samaritan Snare**

Captains very personal log

 _I just returned from star base 515 where my artificial heart was renewed. It was quite an ordeal and Doctor Pulaski in her annoying manner overstepping my personal borders managed to save my life. Well. I should be thankful._

 _What was more interesting was the trip in the shuttle craft that I spent with young Wesley Crusher who had to take some exams at the starbase 515. I could tell he was uneasy. I was not the best of company during the trip and I might even have slightly scared him with my silence._

 _He tried starting a conversation several times but I was not willing to talk to him. I was to preoccupied with myself I need to admit. And I don't feel comfortable around children. Actually I don't know why. Probably they are so spontane and I never can figure out what they are up to next._

 _I could see he was feeling more and more uneasy. Finally we started a conversation that was far to private. I don't know how those Crushers do that. They manage to take out my personal life and start analyzing. He told me that he thought it was a pity I did not have children and that I would make a good father._

 _I cannot describe how astonished I was by this statement. It stirred something in me. I started to reconsider paths I had taken decisions I took. I had left Jenice for Starfleet. And Beverly? Had she not been Jack's wife had she considered me as a husband and would Wesley be my son. I will never know. Do I want children of my own? I never thought so. This however is simple theory. The only woman I could imagine being my wife and bare my children is miles away and it would be arrogant to assume she would have me as her husband and father of her children._


	9. Pulaski 3

Pukaski 3

Captains Very Personal Log

 _I just got a call from Beverly._

 _She's coming back._

 _She's coming back on the Enterprise in less than six weeks._

Jean Luc Picard's heart jumped. He had no idea how she managed to get her position on the Enterprise back. And in such relative short notice. He smiled. It came as a big surprise for him. Beverly also knew some important Starfleet people and the medical division had their own ruels anyways. She had loved her job at the academy but since some time he had noticed how frustrated she had become with all the ruels and regulations. To her it seemed that nothing was ever happening. Nothing improved. She had been doing a lot of thinking and decided to try to get back to the Enterprise.

"At least know the Captain", she had teased him with her half seductive half mocking smile and laughed at him open heartedly. His heart had leaped one or two beats, well it least would have, had it been is real heart. He smiled back at her, even laughed.

 _I am thankful Beverly will be back. Our friendship has grown during those last months. The distance made talking in private easier. We shared hands full of joy as well as frustration. I hope we will be able to carry on what we had gained._

 _It will be good to have her back. Both as a friend and a colleague and this time I will receive her with open arms._

Six weeks later Jean Luc Picard stepped into the main transporter room. He nodded his good day to O'Brien. He was a bit nervous. Their relationship had gone deeper and he didn't quite know how to great her. He straightened his sweater for about the third time when O'Brien told him that everything was ready for the transport.

Seconds later Beverly was materializing on the transporter platform smiling.

"Permission to come aboard", she said giving him her best smile.

Picard smiled back.

"Permission granted!"

Beverly stepped of the platform and Jean Luc took two steps forward to grab her upper arms.

"It is good to have you back!"

Beverly raised her hand to put it on Jean Luc's chest.

"Thank you Jean Luc. It is good to be back"

Noticing the closeness they were sharing in front of O'Bien they both backed off. Picard offered to accompany her to her quarters. She claimed she knew the way but they left together anyways.

"I believe Cmd Riker has organized a small welcome back party 20:00 hours in Ten Forward today", Jean Luc said while they where heading out of the transporter room.

"Will you be joining", Beverly asked slowing down in front of the turbolift giving him a questioning raise of her left eyebrow.

"I will be there", he answered.

Beverly smiled in appreciation.

They entered the turbolift together and to both of them it felt like it had never been different.

"Thank you Jean Luc!"

Jean Luc turned towards her.

"What for?"

"For the warm welcome," she answered her voice low and soft.

"Beverly...I", he started when the door of the turbo lift opened and they were greeted by a crowd emerging from the crew quarters.

"Ten Forward tonight!" he reminded her

"Tonight", she nodded as she entered her quarters and he turned around.


	10. Authors Note

/Authors Note/

Thank you all for following my musings. When I started writing this one I was extremly motivated to write at least 4-5 Chapters per season, but I started to be short of ideas and lost motivation and interest. I might continue this one some other time but for now I will set the status on completed

I might continue some time later, but I do not promise anything.

For those of you that like to have a Happy Ending I suggest you read my story _Beverlys New Mission_ that starts in the beginning of season 3, so exactly where I ended here.


End file.
